Conservative Magazine Says ‘Bill Belichick for President!’

Throughout the 2016 presidential campaign, The Weekly Standard has been a standard-bearing Dump Trump hardliner.

But in the magazine’s October 17th issue, contributor Geoffrey Norman proposes an actual alternative.

A Real Winner

Come November, I’m writing in Bill Belichick

Variations on the same basic conversation are, no doubt, taking place all over the country: people asking, rhetorically, “How has it come to this?” Agonizing over what, if anything, can be done. Wondering, “Does it really have to be one of these two?” Sooner or later you come to the dead-end answer, which is .  .  . “Yes, it seems it does.”

So you begin to fantasize. Wouldn’t it be great if it could be—and here you fill in the blank. Someone, say, from history. (My first choice would be Calvin Coolidge.) Or someone from the à la carte menu of contemporary politicians. This would include all the usual suspects, according to one’s ideological tastes: Elizabeth Warren, Bobby Jindal, Mitt Romney, whoever.

Especially this whoever.

[As] someone said to me while we were exchanging texts on a 280x280-a795f4cf7a8c5f422ef552365d1e1634lazy football Sunday, “How about Bill Belichick for prez? You want a winner and someone who knows how to deal with the media .  .  . he’s your guy.” (For the uninitiated, Belichick is the most successful pro football coach of our generation.)

“Ur rite,” I texted back. “Brilliant. Guy has forgotten more about ‘winning’ than Trump ever knew.”

Norman also had this exchange with his texting pal:

“Belichick would never say he wouldn’t put boots on the ground. He wouldn’t give away anything about what he might—or might not—do. He’d keep em guessing .  .  . and very, very worried.”

“Absolutely,” I texted back. “Gives the enemy no help. He won’t even say who he is starting at quarterback until the rules say he has to. Always keeps them guessing.”

“Right,” my correspondent texted back, fast and furious. “But if he did put boots on the ground, they would stomp the bad guys into a puddle and then stomp the puddle dry. Belichick isn’t about sending signals. He is about stealing yours and using them to beat you.”

From there the piece wanders into a discussion about America’s fetish for charisma and what a welcome change an anti-charismatic leader would be. It is, as always with Norman’s work, an interesting read.

Back to Belichick for President, though, the hardchuckling staff guesses that The Big Hoodie’s response would be, “we’re on to Pittsburgh.

But we’re just guessing.

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A Conversation Between Donald Trump and Abraham Lincoln

DONALD TRUMP (at a rally in Anytown, USA): Believe me, we’re going to build a beautiful Republican Party after this election – and , believe me, the Democrats will pay for it – and it will be a tremendous new party of Lincoln.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN (walking on stage out of the shadows): Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether –

DT: Disloyal [Republicans] are far more difficult than Crooked Hillary. They come at you from all sides. They don’t know how to win – I will teach them!

AL: There is no grievance that is a fit object of redress by mob law.

DT: Our very weak and ineffective leader, Paul Ryan, had a bad conference call where his members went wild at his disloyalty.

AL: The proportions of this rebellion were not for a long time understood. I saw that it involved the greatest difficulties, and would call forth all the powers of the whole country.

DT: Crooked Hillary Clinton likes to talk about the things she will do but she has been there for 30 years – why didn’t she do them?

AL: Our government rests in public opinion. Whoever can change public opinion, can change the government . . .

DT: I hope people are looking at the disgraceful behavior of Hillary Clinton as exposed by WikiLeaks. She is unfit to run. 

AL: In times like the present, men should utter nothing for which they would not willingly be responsible through time and eternity.

DT: The very foul mouthed Sen. John McCain begged for my support during his primary (I gave, he won), then dropped me over locker room remarks!

AL: I believe it is an established maxim in morals that he who makes an assertion without knowing whether it is true or false, is guilty of falsehood; and the accidental truth of the assertion, does not justify or excuse him.

DT: The phony story in the failing ‪@nytimes is a TOTAL FABRICATION. Written by same people as last discredited story on women. WATCH!

AL: Thoughtful men must feel that the fate of civilization upon this continent is involved in the issue of [this] contest.

DT: Why didn’t the writer of the twelve year old article in People Magazine mention the “incident” in her story. Because it did not happen!

AL: At what point then is the approach of danger to be expected? I answer, if it ever reach us, it must spring up amongst us. It cannot come from abroad. If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher.

DT: DON’T LET HER FOOL US AGAIN.

AL: With malice toward none; with charity for all –

DT: It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.

(Abraham Lincoln quotes via Abraham Lincoln Online. Donald Trump quotes – except first – via Twitter.)

Originally published at tovima.gr (Athens, Greece).

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Positively 231st Street: Bob Dylan, the Bronx, and Me

In the summer of 1966, the Jack & Agnes Carrolls misguidedly moved from 89th and Third in Manhattan to Brookview Road in Windsor, CT – a town that lacked virtually everything, including sidewalks.

I did not go with them.

Hell, I had just clawed my way into senior year at Fordham Prep, where the Jesuit headmaster had dubbed me “one of the five most cynical boys at this school” – a personal and parochial triumph.

No way I was abandoning that to start over in some outback of Nutmeg State High.

So I finagled a room at a family friend’s house on Carpenter Ave. in the Bronx, right across the street from Misericordia Hospital.

And every evening when I arrived back there, I hied me to the sunroom where the phonograph lived to play all four sides of Bob Dylan’s Blonde on Blonde (not only rock ‘n’ roll’s first double album, but a “literary leap” according to this Vanity Fair piece by Mike Hogan, who calls it “a plea, a curse, and a benediction all wrapped in one”).

Let’s start with “Absolutely Sweet Marie,” one of the great rock ‘n’ roll songs of all time.

 

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Then there’s “Fourth Time Around,” which I always considered Dylan’s response to John Lennon’s Norwegian Wood.

 

 

And, of course, “Visions of Johanna,” which is “a song that may be the pinnacle of [Dylan’s] art” according to the Boston Globe’s Ty Burr. The redoubtable Dan Kennedy of Media Nation says that “[Dylan] could have won [the Nobel] 50 years ago just for ‘Visions of Johanna.’”

Best version we could find:

 

 

Back in the Bronx, it was probably Sad Eyed Lady of the Lowlands that tore it for me at my temporary living quarters.

But there was also this: I was staying in a two-family house occupied by six adults (Evie, Buster, Olympia, Ria, Artie, Juliette) who resolutely refused to appoint a Designated Tsker to lecture me during my spectacularly boneheaded senior year.

So every time I did something incredibly stupid (which was often), the Tsk Six would pass me from one to another to another to another to . . .

It was, quite frankly, untenable.

Luckily, I found alternative lodgings at my great friend Rob’s place in Parkchester (thanks to his sainted mom, Jo) for most of the remaining school year.

But that’s another story, as Dylan might say:

Then time will tell who has fell
And who’s been left behind
When you go your way and I go mine.

Whichever way I went that year, Blonde on Blonde was the soundtrack.

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Civilians Who Run Full-Page Ads in the New York Times (Umpteenth Plus Two Yoko Ono Edition)

From our Late to the Peace Party edition

Over the years, the hardworking staff has dutifully chronicled the must-by-now-be-a-million-dollars Yoko Ono has spent on full-page ads in the New York Times.

(Umpteenth here, Umpteenth Plus One here.)

Now comes yet another, in Sunday’s Times.

 

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October 9th, of course, would have been John Lennon’s 76th birthday.

So for once, we won’t say the Rift Beatle should have just set her money on fire.

 

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Xavier University Hits #1 in Higher Education Rankings!

But first . . .

The hardwatching staff knows it should join the rest of the chinstrokerati in commenting on last night’s presidential debate, so we’ll venture these few observations.

1. We really need a shower.

2. Anderson Cooper and Martha Raddatz will costar in the upcoming Unstoppable II.

3. Hillary Clinton did not bring her A game to this debate.

4. Donald Trump definitely brought his D (for degrading) game.

5. Trump says he never sexually assaulted (as in, unwanted kissing or groping) any woman. The New York Times has already documented at least one.  (No, wait – two.) Many more, presumably, to come.

6. Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway has begun her slow-motion exit from the Trumptanic.

7. Alt-right takeaway: Trump is Randle McMurphy, Clinton is Nurse Ratched, White House is the Cuckoo’s Nest.

So . . . we good on the debate?

Now to the really important news, via Time magazine.

America’s First Pizza ATM Has Officially Arrived

“One small step for pepperoni, one giant leap for pizza kind”

Students at Ohio’s Xavier University are in for one tasty, cheesy treat when they return to campus this fall: their school is the proud owner of the nation’s first official “Pizza ATM.”

The vending machine will serve up hot pies 24 hours a day, seven days a week at just the touch of a button, Cincinnati.com reports. At $9 a pop for a full 12-inch pizza, you can choose yourscreen-shot-2016-10-10-at-12-10-21-am toppings on the touchscreen, hit a button, and within three minutes receive a fresh-baked pizza in a box, dispensed via a special pizza slot. (The machine works its magic via internal convection oven). About 70 pizzas are stored in the ATM at a go, but they may be restocking fast — especially because, according to Cincinnati.com, the only other pizza options available to students is a Domino’s.

As a proud XU alum, we’ll pass over in silence Xavier’s unfortunate ranking of 492 on CNN MONEY’s list of colleges delivering value (that’s a rhetorical device called preterition, something we learned in one of our endless Classical Languages courses there – and something Donald Trump employs on a daily basis).

Regardless . . .

Pie are round, you madcap Musketeers.

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Regal Cinemas Is Screening Clinton v. Trump II – Free For All!

So the hardworking staff opened up the old emailbag yesterday and here’s what poured out.

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That More Details link lists over 200 Regal Cinemas nationwide and says this:

Regal Cinemas is excited to offer voters, debate teams, political science classes, or regular Joes the chance to watch Clinton vs. Trump on the big screen at the following Regal Cinemas locations. This free showing will air live on Sunday, October 9 at 9pm EST. Tickets available at box office only.

Special offer: Free small drink w/purchase of a popcorn for debate attendees.

Well that’s probably better than offering free Milk Duds.

But think about it: A couple hundred  Regal theatres across this great land of ours will be packed with Trump Toughs and Clinton Crazies tomorrow night.

We’re guessing there’ll be more action in the seats than on the screen.

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Civilians Who Run Full-Page Ads in the New York Times (WellsFargoGreed Edition)

The latest in our long-running series featuring people with all those dollars and no sense

Apparently it wasn’t enough that Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Woodshed) blowtorched Wells Fargo (in the person of CEO John Stumpf) for its fiscal unfitness last month.

Now comes this full-page ad from Texas entrepreneur Lacy Harber in Thursday’s New York Times (as well as the Dallas Morning News, San Francisco Chronicle, and Charlotte Observer at a total cost of more $250,000, according to Harber’s attorney).

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Close-up for the body-copy impaired:

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So Harber’s got a beef with Wells Fargo, which you can read in gory detail in this Dallas Morning News piece.

Drives-him-nuts graf:

Harber is angry about dealings with the Wells Fargo subsidiary that he says caused him to lose nearly $6 million.

Yikes.

The hardsaving staff takes no position on this dustup (except to say we’re glad our money’s not riding on Wells Fargo).

But if you splendid readers want to weigh in, by all means contact Lacy Harber at wellsfargogreed@gmail.com.

And give him our condolences.

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Aramark’s the Spot: Humane League Targets BU Dining Service

So we received this email yesterday from an outfit called Agony at Aramark.

(Full disclosure: The hardworking staff has moonlighted at Boston University for a number of years.)

Dear Boston University,

I represent The Humane League, a leading international animal protection NGO. I am writing to inform you that your foodservice provider, Aramark, has failed to adopt a single meaningful animal welfare measure to protect the millions of screen-shot-2016-10-07-at-12-38-17-amchickens it purchases each year. Unlike its competitors Sodexo and Compass Group, Aramark’s leadership has continually ignored our requests to open a dialogue. Aramark now stands out as a foodservice company falling behind on basic animal welfare issues.

The Humane League means business, according to this Huffington Post piece.

There’s A Major New Effort To Help The Billions Of Chickens We Eat Every Year

The animal welfare movement is pivoting to its biggest challenge yet.

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The Humane League, a prominent animal welfare group, launched a landmark campaign this week to improve the lives (and deaths) of broiler chickens, the land animal that is consumed more than any other in the United States.

The campaign targets Aramark, a behemoth of the U.S. food services industry that runs dining operations at thousands of large institutions and last year reported over $14 billion in sales.

And etc.

Locally, the group promises an all-out BU blitz in its email:

We’re writing to make you aware of this because your affiliation with such a socially irresponsible company may harm your university’s reputation. We will be working with students and groups on your campus to distribute literature, gather petition signatures, display flyers and information, and organize demonstrations. We will also be running Facebook advertisements targeting both current students and alumni. The ads ask viewers to end their support for the university and cease all donations until this issue is addressed and will direct viewers to this website and video.

(To be fair graf goes here)

To be fair, the HuffPost piece also includes this: “In a statement, Aramark said it was ‘committed to animal welfare and sustainable sourcing practices’ but announced no policy changes. ‘It is unfortunate that an activist organization has launched an attack campaign when we are engaged in productive dialogue with likeminded NGOs, academia and suppliers to actually resolve the problem,’ the company said.”

Unfortunate, indeed.

Meanwhile, the hardeating staff will unfortunately consider dining elsewhere.

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More Ru$$ian Nesting Ads From the Grey Lady

In an understandable effort to boost ad revenues (and thereby sustain its newsgathering operation), the New York Times has increasingly blended native advertising (widely touted as the financial lifeline for media outlets) with ads in the Times print edition, as the hardtracking staff has dutifully noted.

Representative sample of Ru$$ian nesting ads (via the Times T Brand Studio) from the past few months.

Lately there’s been a flurry of Russian nesting ads in Times print editions: June 15 for UBS (“What It Takes to Be Human”), June 23 for Philips (“Loving Hearts”), and [August 12] another one for Philips:

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That ad promotes this ad, “Realizing a Dream.”

You get the idea, right?

Now comes this full-page ad in last Friday’s edition of the Times . . .

Read the rest at Sneak Adtack.

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Can a Trump Spokeswoman Really Be Named Jessica Ditto?

The people who speak for Donald Trump, when he’s not ridiculously speaking for himself, are coming to resemble a political version of the Star Wars Cantina scene.

Start with the thoroughly hallucinogenic Katrina Pierson, who currently insists that 1) unscientific polls are accurate, 2) media can no longer report Trump won’t release his tax returns, and 3) Hillary Clinton is to blame for Trump’s stop-and-frisk plan.

(Salon has helpfully collected Katrina Pierson’s Greatest Hits, if you’re eager for more.)

Then there’s Trump’s press secretary Hope Hicks, who provides no hope of getting a straight answer ever. Here she is in a Washington Post report on Trump’s purported charitable contributions.

Trump’s campaign says he’s given ‘tens of millions’ to charity, but offers no details and no proof

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A spokeswoman for Donald Trump’s presidential campaign, seeking to rebut criticism of the GOP nominee’s history of charitable giving, said that Trump has given away “tens of millions of dollars” over his life.

But spokeswoman Hope Hicks offered no details about that number, beyond saying that it included donations from the Donald J. Trump Foundation — a charity that, despite its name, has been filled almost entirely with other people’s money in recent years.

Hicks also provided no information about how much — if any — of the donations she was describing had come from Trump’s own pocket.

(To be fair graf goes here)

To be fair, information-free is how Donald Trump rolls. So why get technical about it.

Next up : Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway, who has ludicrously asserted that 1) the Trump campaign shakeup that landed her as campaign manager was “an expansion,” even though her predecessor was fired, and 2) Trump didn’t lie when he said presidential debate moderator Lester Holt is a Democrat (he’s actually a registered Republican) because “a lie would mean that he knew the man’s party registration.”

Okay then.

Now comes the Dickensian-named Jessica Ditto, who proved her muddle in this New York Times piece yesterday about Trump’s attacks on former Miss Universe Alicia Machado, who he called “Miss Piggy” because she had gained weight, and “Miss Housekeeping” because she was a Latina.

A spokeswoman for Mr. Trump, Jessica Ditto, said that Ms. Machado’s claims that Mr. Trump humiliated her were “totally baseless” and that he never called her those names. But the Clinton campaign released video of Mr. Trump, who was an executive producer of the pageant, saying of Ms. Machado, then 19, “This is somebody who likes to eat.”

To recap:

We are totally Through the Looking Glass right now, my friends.

Lewis Carroll (no relation) would be so proud.

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