Xavier University Hits #1 in Higher Education Rankings!

But first . . .

The hardwatching staff knows it should join the rest of the chinstrokerati in commenting on last night’s presidential debate, so we’ll venture these few observations.

1. We really need a shower.

2. Anderson Cooper and Martha Raddatz will costar in the upcoming Unstoppable II.

3. Hillary Clinton did not bring her A game to this debate.

4. Donald Trump definitely brought his D (for degrading) game.

5. Trump says he never sexually assaulted (as in, unwanted kissing or groping) any woman. The New York Times has already documented at least one.  (No, wait – two.) Many more, presumably, to come.

6. Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway has begun her slow-motion exit from the Trumptanic.

7. Alt-right takeaway: Trump is Randle McMurphy, Clinton is Nurse Ratched, White House is the Cuckoo’s Nest.

So . . . we good on the debate?

Now to the really important news, via Time magazine.

America’s First Pizza ATM Has Officially Arrived

“One small step for pepperoni, one giant leap for pizza kind”

Students at Ohio’s Xavier University are in for one tasty, cheesy treat when they return to campus this fall: their school is the proud owner of the nation’s first official “Pizza ATM.”

The vending machine will serve up hot pies 24 hours a day, seven days a week at just the touch of a button, Cincinnati.com reports. At $9 a pop for a full 12-inch pizza, you can choose yourscreen-shot-2016-10-10-at-12-10-21-am toppings on the touchscreen, hit a button, and within three minutes receive a fresh-baked pizza in a box, dispensed via a special pizza slot. (The machine works its magic via internal convection oven). About 70 pizzas are stored in the ATM at a go, but they may be restocking fast — especially because, according to Cincinnati.com, the only other pizza options available to students is a Domino’s.

As a proud XU alum, we’ll pass over in silence Xavier’s unfortunate ranking of 492 on CNN MONEY’s list of colleges delivering value (that’s a rhetorical device called preterition, something we learned in one of our endless Classical Languages courses there – and something Donald Trump employs on a daily basis).

Regardless . . .

Pie are round, you madcap Musketeers.

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