Say, the hardworking staff has been getting a lot of solicitations for money lately, especially from GOP presidential candidates and their better halves.
Take this one, for instance, from “Heidi” with the subject line “good afternoon” – an email we’d normally expect to seek a contribution of a more, well, personal kind.
I hope my email finds you doing well this afternoon.
Ted is worried that you haven’t been getting his emails — so, I told him that I’d personally reach out to you.
Friend, we’re up against a BIG deadline tonight, and while I don’t have the exact number, I know we’re more than $100,000 dollars behind what we need to raise in order to hit our mid-month fundraising goal tonight.
That is such a big number — I can’t possibly ask you to make up the difference, but if you can stop for a moment and make a contribution of $35 or $50 right now, it would be a huge relief.
The pressure Ted is under for tonight’s deadline is immense. We still have so many states still left to fund in order to earn the delegates necessary to win the nomination.
Ted and I are so grateful for your prayers, support, and immediate help!
P.S. If $35 or $50 is too much — can you afford $5? I really don’t want to have to tell Ted and the team we came up short.
Because . . . maybe the Mister will call down the wrath of God upon her if she comes up short?
Then there was this email from the First Lady of Ohio, Karen (Who Knew?) Kasich:
Friend, I’m going to be honest with you. The stakes are high and it’s critical that we all pitch in to help John continue securing delegates and deny Trump the nomination.
We’re less than one week away from the New York Primary and we have a real chance at grabbing some delegates. Will you invest in our critical Get-Out-The-Vote operations right now?
Our family had a lot of fun Monday evening participating in a CNN Town Hall with Anderson Cooper.
You can watch a short highlight clip here:
I’m so proud of the positive campaign John has run. It’s refreshing to have a candidate who’s focused on offering common-sense solutions to our challenges rather than taking advantage of people’s fears and very real concerns about America’s future.
We have a choice to make. As John said yesterday, there are two paths we can take. I’m choosing the path that offers a positive vision for America’s future. Will you join us?
Thank you so much for all that you’re doing to help.
First Lady of Ohio
Actually, we’re not doing anything to help. Plus, we’re not including any links because, hey, we don’t work for these people.
Then there are the incessant emails from the Cruz Crew. For example:
You have stood with Ted through the roller coaster nomination process over the past year. We appreciate everything you have done.
As a way to thank you for your support, we want to offer you a special campaign keepsake:
CLAIM YOUR SIGNED STICKER >>>
We are only offering these to our campaign’s biggest supporters. There is a very limited supply of the signed Cruz Flame stickers, so don’t miss the chance to claim one with a contribution of $15 or more!
REQUEST ONE NOW >>>
Have you noticed that the hardworking staff is everyone’s friend? We knew you would.
Moving up the ladder, there’s this missive from the candidate himself.
Please read this!
This could be the most important email I have ever written. I hope you will stop now and take a moment to read it.
Here’s the situation: in the next 24 hours, voters will go to the polls once again — so, I’m making my best case to prove to you and the American people that I am best prepared to lead America for the next four years.
But before voters cast their votes tomorrow I need to ask you an important question: Will you make a key sacrifice in the next 24 hours?
I wouldn’t ask you this if I hadn’t already done it myself.
Please let me explain…
You see, running for President of the United States is a significant sacrifice. Only by the grace of God — and with unwavering help from my wonderful supporters like you — have we reached this point — on the verge of capturing the Republican nomination.
And while I’m on the verge of victory, I need to share something with you.
The sacrifices for our campaign are steep, but I’m proud to be making them on your behalf:
>>> The constant attacks never stop: The liberal media, Hillary Clinton, and Donald Trump know the best way to defeat me and score another win for the Washington Cartel is to tear me down. I face a constant barrage of political and personal attacks daily.
>>> Time with my family is non-existent: Spending almost every day on the campaign trail means precious little time spent with my wife, Heidi, and my daughters — the very family that gives me the motivation and drive to fight.
>>> Health and sleep are limited: Fighting morning and night for the future of our country ensures long nights and early mornings resulting in little to no sleep.
>>> Personal time is not possible: You think of this the least, but as a candidate, my days are no longer my own. Days start before dawn and many times don’t end until early the next morning. There is almost no personal time when you run for president.
Friend, let me be clear. I’m willingly making these sacrifices — despite the high cost…
I’m choosing to make them because I believe we live in a time where we will lose the very freedom and liberty we all cherish as Americans if good people don’t make the selfless sacrifices necessary to secure both.
This campaign is a sacrifice not only for me, but also for my wife and daughters.
I think you will agree with me that, though steep, these sacrifices are well worth it.
So, today I’m asking you to make an important sacrifice with me, Friend.
Will you join me by making a special, sacrificial gift to my campaign in the next 24 hours — before voters go to the polls again?
I’ve asked my team to put together these secure links below so you can make an instant and secure sacrificial gift — it can be done in just five minutes or less:
I CAN SACRIFICE $35 TO RESTORE AMERICA »
I CAN SACRIFICE $100 TO RESTORE AMERICA »
I CAN SACRIFICE $250 TO RESTORE AMERICA »
I CAN SACRIFICE $1000 TO RESTORE AMERICA »
In less than 24 hours, voters will go to the polls again. I’m asking courageous conservatives like you stand up and fight with me. Will you make a special gift — before the next votes are cast — to help restore America?
I wouldn’t ask you if 1) I wasn’t willing to make the same sacrifice myself; and 2) the stakes weren’t so high.
Friend, time is critical, and if you will, please make this special gift in the next 24 hours — Heidi and I would be so grateful.
P.S. Friend I’ve chosen to make the critical sacrifices in our fight to restore America. Will you join me with your gift of $250 or $100? OR $35 or $10 if that is a stretch gift for you, Heidi and I will be grateful for every dollar you can sacrifice and will ensure it is faithfully used.
Where to start?
Friend Index: Five.
Sacrifice Index: 17.
Persuasion Index: 0.
Last but certainly not least, there’s this email from House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Delete Me) with the subject line (don’t delete).
Voters in New York will cast their ballots for the Republican presidential nominee tomorrow, exercising their rights as citizens in the greatest nation in the world.
But no matter the outcome of this year’s crucial presidential election, your Republican House majority will continue to fight for conservative values.
Now we need to hear from you, our constituents, about what issues to tackle next.
That’s why I’ve designed this personalized Leadership Priority Survey to collect your input and help guide our agenda in this crucial election year.
Here’s a secure link for you to access your survey: https://act.speakerryan.com/leadership-priority-survey/
124,363 proud conservatives have already voiced their top priority for Congress – now I want to hear from you.
Whether it’s increased national defense or deficit reduction, I want your voice heard in this process. After all, this is YOUR Republican House Majority.
It will only take a few moments of time to make a real difference in the direction of our nation.
Please help us in our mission: https://act.speakerryan.com/leadership-priority-survey/
I truly appreciate your service to the Party.
Speaker Paul D. Ryan
Huh. Sort of feels like a Paul Ryan Priority Survey.
No, wait – delete that.
Gee whiz– I didn’t know that you were a special friend to so many fools. Enjoy all of that special attention while it lasts.