You never want to get an envelope stamped “Final Notice” from the National Rifle Association.

But that’s exactly what just arrived at the Global Worldwide Headquarters of Campaign Outsider.

So it is with some trepidation that the hardworking staff is opening the letter even as we type this.

Salutation:

Dear Fellow American,

For years, NRA has asked patriotic Americans like you to join our cause.

Today, I’m sending out this “Final Notice” to gun owners and freedom-loving Americans across the country to let you know that time is running out – unless you act now, your Second Amendment rights are certain to be dismantled and destroyed

But wait – turns out this “Final Notice” portends not some firearms firestorm, but the hardworking staff’s last chance to get a FREE NRA Duffel Bag!

Free, that is, with our official membership in the NRA.

No trifle that.