It was something to be in Boston that summer. The spirit of ’76 was everywhere, from the massive fireworks displays on the Esplanade to the stately procession of Tall Ships into Boston harbor to the red-white-and-blue redecoration of Li’l Stevie’s House of Pizza on Boylston street.
Bicentennial Fever Grips Hub.
That was the same summer I was supposed to get married to my college girlfriend, who two years earlier had chosen to live in the Midwest with her folks until we tied the knot and settled down in Boston. Six weeks before the wedding I looked up and realized that: a) I still hadn’t found us a place to live; b) I still hadn’t gone for a tuxedo fitting, even though all the ushers (spread out over three states) had; and c) between a and b, it was time to call off the wedding.
That night I did – “postponed” it, actually. I got in just under the wire, since the invitations were sitting on my ex-fiancée’s kitchen table, stamped and ready to go out the next morning. The rest of the details you don’t want to know. Suffice it to say Charles Manson had nothing on me in at least one Midwestern household.
And Here’s to You, Mr. Robinson
The thirty or so hours a week I actually was at work started getting tougher to handle, so I did what any sensible person back then would do: I took to smoking the occasional joint in the alley behind the Boston DO – but only on my morning and afternoon breaks, never at lunch. Unfortunately, it tended to make things worse. One day, for instance, I returned to my desk from a refreshing break bearing a large cup of coffee and a devil-may-care attitude. A few minutes later a claimant, puffing hard on a cigarette, walked up, handed me his redetermination letter, and sat down.
“You called me in?”
“Yes, Mr. Porter, we need to review your file.”
God only knows what was in the file, but the next thing Mr. Porter did was take the cigarette out of his mouth and drop it – snick – into my fresh cup of coffee. Then he really panicked. He lunged toward the coffee and knocked it over, barely missing me but thoroughly caffeinating that day’s paperwork. We rescheduled the meeting.
Another day, also post-break, an especially difficult claimant decided, in the course of our interview, to play what he thought was his trump card.
“You should be takin’ care of me here, man. You should be treatin’ me right. I pay your salary, man.”
That was all I needed to hear.
“You pay my salary? You pay my salary? You’re on welfare, you moron. You’re not a taxpayer. Or hadn’t you noticed?”
He stood up quickly.
“Hey! You can’t call me a moron, man!”
The Operations Supervisor happened to be walking by and quickly came over to my desk. He leaned his considerable bulk toward the claimant and said in a low voice, “Is there a problem here, Mister Moron?”
“Nossir. Nossir. I was just leaving.”
I decided I could use another break.
* * * * * * *
I look up and the Robinsons are at my desk – father, mother, two kids – straight out of some Southern Gothic novel. “We’re here for the welfare,” Mr. Robinson says, his tone indicating that he expects to be turned down.
“No problem. Let’s do the forms.”
It went well until the second question.
“What’s your home address?”
“Ain’t got no home address.”
“Well, Mr. Robinson, I need someplace to send your check, assuming you’re eligible for one. Where does your family stay?”
“Don’t stay anywhere. I’ll come in and pick up the check every month.”
“It doesn’t work that way, Mr. Robinson. We don’t write the checks here. They’re mailed out from a payment center.”
“Okay – I’ll go there.”
“There’s no there, Mr. Robinson. It’s all computerized down in Birmingham, Alabama. You need a home address – maybe the Long Island Shelter or the Pine Street Inn. You could get your check mailed to either place.”
“Ain’t goin’ there.”
And with that, the Dismiss Family Robinson got up and left.
A couple of weeks later I walked into the DO about 9:30 and was told to go right to the Assistant District Manager’s office. I was expecting another lecture on punctuality, but instead the ADM said, “Guess who paid a little visit to the Birmingham DO?”
“Take a guess.”
“Vice President Rockefeller?”
“No. Why would you say that? No – it was Mr. Robinson.”
“Mr. Robinson . . . our Mr. Robinson?”
“That’s right. Mr. Robinson went down to Birmingham and demanded his check. And when they said they couldn’t issue him one – “
“Wait – how’d he get there?”
“How the heck would I know?”
“He must’ve hitchhiked. Wonder where he left his family.”
“His family was with him.”
“The whole family hitchhiked to Alabama?”
“How the heck would I know? The point is, when they didn’t give him a check, he – and this is a quote – he destroyed the outer office of the Birmingham DO, which, by the way, had just been renovated.”
“Really? Do they have a mural too – maybe Bull Connor with some German shepherds and fire hoses?”
The ADM glared at me.
“When they finally subdued Mr. Robinson, he said he was told to go there for his check. And he used your name.”
“Of course he did.”
“What do you mean of course he did?”
“Of course he used my name.”
“Because he knows it. Why else? If he knew your name, he’d have used that too.”
The ADM glared some more.
“You should know, they’re holding you personally responsible for the damage he did.”
“What, I’m supposed to pay to fix the place up?”
“Probably not, but they could make you pay for it. One other thing: the Area Director wants you in his office at nine o’clock tomorrow.”
“That’s pretty early.” I got up and headed for the door. “Hey, if they charge me for the repairs, do I get to design a new mural?”
The Area Director’s office was high atop the JFK federal building in Government Center, with views of downtown Boston and the harbor. The AD told me to sit down and leaned back in his government-approved leather chair.
“You’re a troublemaker, son. You know it and I know it.”
“Anyone else know it?”
“Everyone knows it. Why’d you tell that claimant to go to Birmingham?”
“For the hundredth time, I didn’t tell Mr. Robinson to go to Birmingham. I said that he couldn’t pick up a check at the Boston DO, that the checks come from the payment center in Birmingham, and that he needed to have an address so that we could mail him one. It’s not my fault he has an active imagination.”
The AD leaned forward.
“You know why you still have a job? Do you? Not because of your performance, that’s for sure. You’re chronically late, you have an attitude problem, you forced the ADM to shut down that . . . that newsletter of yours – oh yes, I’ve checked your file. Despite all that, you still have a job at SSA. You know why?”
“Sure – ‘cause I’m a term employee and if you let me go, you can’t replace me. You figure it’s better to have 30 hours of me than 40 hours of nobody.”
The AD leaned back.
“You’re lucky, son. If we didn’t have the Overpayment Recovery Program just starting up, you’d be out of here.”
The AD leaned forward.
“Now get out of here.”
- "No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." - Dr. Samuel Johnson